Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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