Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
