I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
