tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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