You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
