Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to sanitize my soul.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
