Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
