So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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