fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
