Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
