i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize