Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
