So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
