omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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