I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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