Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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