theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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