You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
