Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize