If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
