Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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