You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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