Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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