Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
