I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
