I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
