just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i've created a new STD.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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