you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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