i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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