Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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