he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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