so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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