super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
