You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
