just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
