Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
