The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
