I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i came on her dog
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
