You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
