His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
