I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
