I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
