my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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