bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
