Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
