sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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