Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize