I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
