im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
