His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize