I just made out with a guy for $7.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
