Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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