i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
