I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize