I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
