She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
sarcasm needs its own font
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
