I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
